loss… a day of honesty

So. This week has not been good. Things haven’t worked out how I wanted them to. I had plan. I had HOPES but… i feel loss.

First – one of my favorite ladies in the world, Kelly, experienced loss this week.  I have written about her before. She has been a mentor, encourager, teacher, friend, and so much more.  She was the Bible Study leader for the girls group that I “helped” with.  Really – I was learning just as much as they were.  Anyways… i could go on and on.  Last year, Kelly was pregnant with triplets and two of the precious boys are now with Jesus.  Charli, the little girl who is now 13-14 months old, is a beautiful picture of how our Creator turns ashes into BEAUTY.  Amazing story.  Now, her husband served as a youth pastor and was let go by the pastors in the church this past week.  i tried to imagine the loss and the hurt that they feel going through that. feelings of inadequacy. feelings of doubt. feelings of hurt. feelings of a faith family that is lost. feelings of fear. of searching. of loss. i hurt for them. i ache for them.  Honestly, if someone implied to my husband that he wasn’t doing his job well or was inadequate for what the church had invisioned, I would be IRRATE! I would also be so upset at the thought of losing relationships with the youth that we had invested so much into. My heart breaks for them. they are beautiful. they are strong. they have hope.  You can read their story here.

Second – one of my close friends where I live now was pinked slipped this week at the school where she has served as a 6th grade teacher for the past year. Not to mention – she was let go of the school she was working at the year before.  she is a good teacher. she is good at her job. they say budget cuts. i understand, but that sucks. WHY? I think it’s okay to ask why. I can’t imagine, especially for a women that is passionate about her job – the feeling of loss and inadequacy that she feels. SHE IS NOT INADEQUATE! I hate that feeling. i loathe it.  it is from the Enemy. it is a lie. it is hurtful. i know she is scared and doubtful of what will happen next year. where she will work. i know she believes in her head that God is in control, but her heart is still terrified. my heart is broken for her.

Third – we lost another house. are you kidding me? this is the most discouraging thing for me. i feel dumb. i have talked about getting this house to many people. i have hoped. i have planned. i have imagined. now… it won’t happen. yea yea… it’s for a reason, but sometimes I just want to be sad. We had the house inspected; it failed. my heart was broken. THEN the bank (the house was a foreclosure) said they would fix it. my heart was so… EXCITED (for lack of a better word). The house was fixed. It looked great to us. The house was inspected again. still failed. my heart is BROKEN. I want a house. i want that house. can’t have it. now… we have to start the process again and… i am dreading it. I know God knows what’s happening. I know. I know! I want to trust. I’m learning patience (because He’s forcing me to – ha!). I have to trust. I must depend. I know it might seem like a simple problem or hope, but that’s where i am right now. Compared to the loss that’s happening around me… i need not complain or grumble. i have a job. i have health. i HAVE. I don’t want to want… Lord, help.

I have been reading the Old Testament recently (that’s hard for me, honestly). I want the obedience and acceptance that Moses had. Over and over again it was said… and he did just as the Lord commanded. I want that. I just want to follow. I just want to obey. The Lord says wait… I want to do that. The Lord says HOPE… I want to hope no matter what my flesh wants to complain about or grieve over.  I want to be an obedient and joyful woman no matter what my circumstances or opinions or wants are. He is ENOUGH. He is GOOD. I am weak and selfish and wanting… 

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