I am not a fearful person.
I will do whatever, whenever.
Tell me to go to Africa without a care in the world… done.
Tell me to talk to a stranger – anywhere, anywho… done.
Ask me to interpret/dance in front of thousands of people (we are working on the speaking)… done.
Tell me to adopt a teenage boy from another country… done.
Ask me to lead trips to foreign countries where the language barrier is intense for me… done.
Ask me to scream, shout, yell, and go crazy in front of hundreds of kids as a camp counselor… done.
Tell me to jump off a 45 foot cliff in Jamaica into the ocean… done.
BUT… ask me to W.A.I.T. and I am dreadfully afraid.
I do not know how to explain the utter and complete FEAR I have felt the past few weeks in the final waiting process of this adoption. I want my son here. I want that medical form to HURRY UP. I want to set foot on Belize soil to make Eric a Morgan forever. I want it more than my next breath. But, I have never experienced ANYTHING like this FEAR before. This is not a feeling of uneasiness like I get when I know I’m going against something God has told me to do… it is paralyzing fear and anxiety. There have been times when I physically feel it coming on… and I can do nothing to stop the intense fear I feel. I have thought in the past fews weeks that I might have been having a panic attack… I don’t know… but it was so against how I am at my core. I am not fearful. I am not anxious. Yes, I am impatient. Yes, I have lots of ideas that I want to work out. But… I am not an all-out anxious person or someone who lives in fear. I’m just not.
The fear that I’ve felt literally feels like an additional set of clothes being put on me. I know that’s weird, but I don’t know how else to explain it. I can feel it being draped on me and then I don’t know how to get out of it. I have had some breakdowns and pretty sure Jacob thought about running away. Ha! I’m so glad he didn’t.
I was confronted by a lot of questions I had to answer:
Why am I so afraid to wait?
Do I really not trust God… still?
Why am I so afraid of the unknown and the silence?
Do I really not believe He goes before me and is a God of details?
Do I only believe God in the good circumstances or will I praise and trust Him even in the chaos and the not-so-pretty times?
Am I just another conditional Christian?
Is this fear a sign of something?
Do I think that God is going to fail us?
Have I really forgotten all His miracles He’s done so far?
Thankfully He still wants to teach me. This is what I have learned… am learning –
Unbelief and fear are strongholds/sins in my life. I may not struggle with the outward “biggies” of excessive drinking, drugs, or whatever… but fear is a stronghold that has held me captive recently. IT IS NOT FROM HIM! It’s not.