Restoration. Converge. Fear. Shut up.

So I’m learning a lot lately. These four words pretty much sum up what I’m learning. With Jacob being gone, I’ve had a lot of time to myself… to take bubble baths, sit around, lay in bed… and think. I thought I’d share… it may mean NOTHING to you, but blogging helps me process things. So, here goes:

#1 Restoration.

God is a God of restoration – of making things right. He restores families – He restored Joseph with his brothers… you know the ones you tried to kill him off. He restores friendships – King David and Jonathan. He restores us – He makes us whole.

66ed96315fc17e574d0e841e63465078The word restore means to return (something) to an earlier or original condition by repairing it, cleaning it, etc. You know an old house that’s run down and cobwebby can be restored to it’s original state, right? Like this one pictured… It can be cleaned, built back in areas that were destroyed, repaired, painted, pieces replaced, and the original character, that was intended when the house was built, can be recreated.

This is my prayer… that God would allow restoration to happen where it’s suppose to in my life. The thing about restoration though… it takes work… hard work. It requires time, energy, effort, planning, sacrifice, and change. To get an old boarded-up house to become livable and beautiful again… lots of work has to be implemented!  I’ve asked God to open doors for this to happen… so I better be willing to do the work. I’m hoping relationships can be restored – things can be cleaned up (misunderstandings and laziness on my part), things can be repaired (forgiveness and moving on), things can be replaced (new memories made), and the original purpose in that relationship be reinstated (friendship, family, general relationship, etc). Many of the things I want restored are not HUGE, build a new house projects… but they are still require work and commitment… so I’m trying.

Maybe you are hoping something(s) can be restored in your life… don’t give up! Work hard.

#2 Converge.

This is what has really been kicking my butt these days. So when I got to Troy, in my uncomfortableness, I learned a lot about FREEDOM. Freedom from my past… freedom from insecurities… freedom from what I thought of myself… FREEDOM FOR MY FUTURE… etc. Through my learning in 2010, I got truly excited about my future and purpose in life… and wanted to TOTALLY disconnect from my past. I didn’t know how to bring the 2 together… my life before being a youth pastor wife… and my life starting in ministry. I had no clue how, so I decided to just focus on the one and leave the other. One man between past and future.

I am learning that to TRULY live out my purpose – to love God supremely, show His love to others, and to bring freedom to those (especially girls/women) in captivity… the two lives have to converge. I know for most, normal people… this is not a huge deal. It’s easy just to pick up where you left off and not feel weird. Maybe you can go into places and not feel like people already have labels, mistakes, and stigmas attached to you. But… as you know, I’m not normal. I know, in my head, this is stupid and I shouldn’t feel so out of place or that people are judging me. BUT… I’m weird and for me to figure out what this converging means is difficult. I have to be willing to be awkward at times… to talk to people that I sometimes want to avoid, to love on people who may not necessarily love me, and to go to familiar places with familiar people with a NEW joy and perspective.

What I’ve learned? IT’S NOT ABOUT ME. It’s just not. I need to staple this to my forehead everyday so that I’m okay with looking weird, feeling awkward, and working on restoration. It’s just not about me… it’s about God working and seeing my past, present, and future converging for His glory.

#3 Fear.

In this here blog, I said that I wasn’t a fearful person. Well.. the more and more I learn about myself… the more and more I see that Satan tries to use FEAR as a stronghold in my life. BOO! In my thinking about restoration and converging… I’ve realized there’s more fear in my heart than I thought. I’m not afraid to go to the ends of the earth or jump off a cliff, but I am scared of waiting, failing, and REJECTION. I love talking to any one I meet, but recently when meeting new people that I REALLY want friendships with or people I have known for a while that I haven’t talked to recently… I feel so afraid of rejection. That’s just stupid. I guess the root of the middle school insecurities never go away.  That’s just annoying.

What I’m learning? I HAVE to know who I am in Christ. I HAVE to decipher truths from lies… because FEAR IS A LIAR! God is FOR me. God is victorious. God accepts me. God is going before me. Fear is cast out with love. And… one of my new favorite sayings from one of my favorite Troy peeps – “THE GROUND IS LEVEL AT THE CROSS.” I have to stop looking from my messed up perspective… and understand that we are all at the foot of the cross just needing a ton of mercy.

#4 Shut up.

So, I asked to be made teachable… and now God is teaching me how to be teachable. I have to SHUT UP! Ugh… This is difficult for me… but you probably know that. I like to talk, especially when I’m nervous or excited. I just can’t stop sometimes. I have diarrhea of the mouth AND foot-in-mouth syndrome. It’s rough… I wish there was medicine for for my disorders. BUT… if I want to learn, if I want to know others’ stories, if I want to hear people’s hearts, I HAVE to SHUT UP! I have to sit there and listen and only talk if it’s burning a whole in my jaw. That’s how you become wise… to have the ability to shut up. That’s how you learn… to know when to by quiet. I have a LONG LONG LONG way to go here. So… if you see me out and I’m gabbering away and forgetting to listen… please slap me and say “SHUT UP!” I really do want to learn. I want to be teachable. I don’t want to be automatically defensive if someone (especially my hubs) calls me out on something… I want to learn where they are coming from. I don’t want to tune people out when they are telling what’s happening in life… I want to really digest it and remember it. So… here’s to shutting up! 🙂

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