I’m freaking out a bit. I’m not going to give you a run down of symptoms this time… I’m just gonna be real. Bottom line… I’m fat. Heartburn. Can’t bend over too good. All that fun stuff that comes with having a beach ball connected to your abdomen. I have thoroughly enjoyed pregnancy (who thought I would ever say that?), but the emotional junk that’s come at the end is just a lot.
Anyways… here’s how I’m really feeling right now. You may think I’m a horrible person… or you may feel the same way and are struggling with the fact that you hate how your thoughts are swarming around in your head. Either way… it’s real life so that’s all I know to write.
So, let me give you some honesty and then some super cute pictures of Eli’s amazing baby shower!
The word that is haunting me right now is MEDIOCRE. My life is amazing. Everything going on is beyond anything I could ever imagine. But me… MEDIOCRE will not leave my thoughts. I know that the truth is that in the Bible… but just let me flesh this out and be real.
I want my family and this little boy growing in my womb to have the best. I feel just average at everything. Average at my job – recruiting teams, staying organized, and even trip leading. Average at reading the Word. Average at being a mom. A wife. A friend. A daughter. I feel WAY below average in remembering things (pregnancy brain is real… but it’s affecting my reality). I feel average in accomplishing my purpose right now. JUST AVERAGE.
I am scared that I’m not going to know what to do when Eli gets here… and I probably won’t. The ¨what if’s¨ are causing me to grind my teeth at night. I hate the thought of not being good enough for my family. I know they would never think that of me… but those are the momma fears I have rumbling around in me. I don’t want my life of my kiddos’ lives to be mediocre, just average, or filled with ¨what if’s¨.
I want to be PRESENT. I want to be PURPOSE-FILLED. I want to do a GOOD JOB. I don’t want to be perfect… but I don’t want to feel like I need to say ‘I’m sorry’ everyday for something I forgot to do or didn’t do well. I want to do well at the amazing opportunities the Lord has given me to do – my work, marriage, family, friends, and everything in between.
I have to learn what it means (again) to rely on Jesus… because I can’t do it. I cannot be super, Pinterest, 100% organic, crafty, IKEA organized… mom.
Along with MEDIOCRE making me fret… I also feel extremely CRAZY. So… I apologize if none of this makes sense. Ha! Crying to cry. Crying at a movie I’ve seen 1 million times. Being moody and having no reason for it. Oh Lord, bless my hubby and mom and friends and family for putting up with me.
This one makes me feel gross inside, but I’m being honest – I am just SELFISH. I’m having to really process what’s coming up. My body is no longer my own. My agenda could be changed at any time. My freedom to go and do just got a bit more limited. My sleep is going to be all changed around. Long showers… yea right. Traveling with minimal notice/luggage… done. And all those other things… it’s just going to be different. Obviously, we already love and adore and want our Eli, so none of this is ultimately going to matter. BUT… right now, in my processing of having a baby WITHIN THE MONTH… I can’t help but think about my selfishness and my me-ness. So… there’s that. I know that I will do anything and everything for this boy, my marriage, and our family… it’s just tough to swallow sometimes.
Whew… well there’s all my crazy feelings. Take them for what they’re worth.
Now for the fun pictures from the shower!! It was such an amazing day! My mom, mom-in-law, friends, and family worked hard to make it all happen. Eli is already so so loved and spoiled!
Yay for a great time and great goodies for our boy!!! I CANNOT believe it’s almost time!